Gypsies In The Palace
by Red Witch
Summary: So what did the ISIS gang do during those three weeks Archer was locked up in the dungeon between Palace Intrigue and Filibuster? Well...


** A tiger ate the disclaimer that I don't ****own any Archer characters. Just some mad thoughts from my mad mind which was inspired by a Jimmy Buffett song and watching the Bling Ring. Takes place between Palace Intrigue and Filibuster. What did the rest of the ISIS gang do during those three weeks Archer was locked up in the dungeon? Well…**

**Gypsies In The Palace**

"Come on! You guys gotta see this!" Pam called out to Lana, Cherlene and Ray as she led them to a bedroom in the opulent palace of San Marcos. It had been almost two weeks since Cyril had taken over the country in an accidental coup and the gang was starting to get a little stir crazy.

Actually they were already pretty crazy to begin with but that's not the point…

"A bedroom?" Lana groaned, her body sore from the effects of pregnancy. "I think I've seen one before Pam."

"It's what's in the bedroom you gotta see," Pam told her. She munched on some kind of pastry in her mouth.

"What is that?" Ray asked pointing to the pastry.

"Cocaine infused bear claw! My own recipe!" Pam grinned as she finished her snack. "Anyway I was looking for where the vampires were when I found this!"

Pam opened a huge door and it led into a large room filled with clothes, hats and shoes everywhere. "The mother lode!" Pam crowed. "The biggest freakin' walk in closet ever!"

"Sweet Lord And Taylor!" Ray gasped. "This closet is bigger than my old apartment!"

"Look at all the crap this bitch has!" Lana was stunned at the endless variety of expensive clothes and shoes.

"Ooh! Pretty!" Cherlene grabbed a dress.

"I like this one," Pam grabbed another.

"Uh that might be too small for you Pam," Cherlene said.

"Not anymore since I went on the cocaine diet," Pam shot back. "And if Ms. Juliana Jugs could fit in this so can I!" She started to strip and try the dress on.

"Hmmm…You have a point," Cherlene looked at the dress she was holding. "This might be too big for me."

"This is unbelievable," Lana looked around. "I've seen department stores that have fewer clothes. And some of these still have the price tags on."

She looked at one and her jaw dropped. "Holy….My car didn't cost this much!"

Ray looked at another one. "This one dress is more money than all my medical bills and my cats' medical bills combined! And trust me, that is a lot of money."

"Hey look at me!" Pam was modeling a white sundress. "I'm Marilyn Monroe!"

"President James Monroe's wife?" Cherlene blinked. "I didn't know she had a cocaine problem."

"You're going to have a fat lip problem if you don't keep your trap shut!" Pam threatened.

"YAY!" Cherlene cheered.

"Damn I forgot that violence makes you horny," Pam groaned. "Okay if you don't behave I **won't** hit you!"

"I'll be good," Cherlene apologized.

"Here's a nice hat," Ray put a modest green hat with a diamond broach on Lana's head. "Looks good."

"Really?" Lana blinked. She looked in a large mirror. "Huh?"

"I think it brings out your eyes," Ray said.

"You think?" Lana looked at herself in the mirror. "I think my face is puffy."

"It is not. You look fabulous," Ray found himself a stylish purple fedora with a feather in it. He put it on. "Huh, this looks pretty good on me."

"Ooh! I like this one!" Cherlene put on a brown fur stole. "Aw it's not alive. That would be so cool if it was. Then I could train it to attack people."

"Doesn't it bother anyone that we're invading another person's closet?" Lana asked as she took the hat off.

"Lana, we kind of stole this person's country," Ray gave her a look. "And we locked her and her ex-husband up in the dungeon with Archer. This isn't exactly the worst thing we've done to her."

"You have a point," Lana admitted.

"And look at all the goll-dang crap she has," Cherlene said as she tried on a pink hat with feathers. "She has more clothes than she knows what to do with."

"Hell she has more clothes than what Macy's knows what to do with," Pam tried on some shoes.

"Probably all at the taxpayers' expense," Ray added. "I'm sorry hon, but I do **not** feel guilty over this. Ooh! A kimono!" He grabbed it and admired it. "Damn. Doesn't go with my hair."

"Even my cousin Lucy doesn't have this many clothes and she's a clothes whore," Cherlene admitted. "Actually she's pretty much a whore period."

"Oh my God! Look at this diamond necklace!" Lana saw a necklace with huge diamonds on it. "That thing must cost a fortune!"

"Put it on! Put it on!" Ray encouraged.

"Oh I shouldn't," Lana was torn.

"Do it!" Ray took the necklace and helped her put it on. "Fabulous!"

"OOOOH!" Lana's eyes went big as she looked in the mirror. "It does look good on me doesn't it?"

"There's some earrings! Try them on next!" Ray said.

"Well they do go with the necklace," Lana semi reluctantly tried them on.

"This bracelet is so me!" Cherlene squealed as she put on a bracelet.

"You're a billionaire! Don't you have jewelry like this?" Lana asked as she admired the jewelry she was wearing.

"No. Most of my jewelry belonged to my Mother and Grandmother and it is so freaking ugly…" Cherlene groaned. "Ugh! Who wears cameos anymore? Seriously?"

"You've never bought any jewelry for yourself?" Ray asked.

"Well some but most of my money goes to…other things," Cherlene explained.

"I am not even going to ask what," Ray sighed, knowing better.

"Smart call," Pam snickered.

"I gotta admit. It is kind of a thrill wearing these expensive things," Lana admitted as she looked in the mirror. "Even if they're not mine."

"Especially if they're not mine," Cherlene giggled as she tried on an expensive silk scarf.

"Haven't had this much fun since I drag raced Ray and Cyril yesterday with those expensive cars," Pam chuckled.

"Is that what that crash was?" Lana realized. "I thought I heard something."

"By the end it was more like a demolition derby," Ray groaned. "I did like driving that Lamborghini. Before it got totaled!" He glared at Pam.

"Hey I clearly had the right of way," Pam said as she tried on some jewelry. "Not my fault you guys drive like pussies."

"Hey look at this," Cherlene opened another door. "That bitch has her own friggin' bathroom in her closet!"

"Actually that's pretty good for me," Lana went straight towards it.

"You just went five minutes ago!" Ray exclaimed.

"Hey! When you have something that's as heavy as a bowling ball on your bladder you go when you have to go!" Lana snapped before she went into the bathroom and locked the door.

"WHERE ARE YOU IDIOTS?" Mallory was heard yelling. "I swear why is it whenever I need you lot, you disappear?"

"We're all in here Ms. Archer!" Cherlene whooped as she tried on some shoes.

"Where? I swear you need map to find your way around this place!" Mallory was heard groaning.

"I know. They could at the very least put a directory or something in the hallway," Pam agreed.

"Great. We have work to do and you idiots are playing dress up like…" Mallory began as she stormed in. Then she saw where she was. "What the hell? Is this a closet or a mini mall? Even I don't have this many clothes!"

"I know right?" Cherlene said as she tried on more shoes.

"Nevertheless, play time is over and…Is that a mink stole? Mine!" Mallory ran to snatch it.

"That doesn't even go with your coloring!" Ray barked.

"What do you…?" Mallory then looked in the mirror. "Oh crap. You're right. Trust **you** to notice!"

The sound of flushing was heard and Lana walked out. "You know that toilet is not only gold plated but the seat is heated?" She told them.

"There's a bathroom in the **closet?**" Mallory blinked. "Hmm if there was one in Gillette's he'd never have come out!"

"You know…?" Ray glared at Mallory.

"Oh my god look at this thing," Mallory ignored him and took a look in the bathroom. "This bathroom is bigger than the one I have in my condo in Miami! And is that **real marble**? It's official. This is a closet I would kill for!"

"Hey look how big these shoes are!" Cherlene put on a pair of red heels. "Look like Juliana's jugs aren't the only things big about her."

"Whoa. I bet those shoes would even fit Lana," Pam whistled.

"In the first place my feet are only big because I'm pregnant!" Lana protested. She saw the shoes. "Although I do admit these shoes are cute."

"Try 'em," Ray encouraged.

"I have got to take my picture in this bathroom!" Mallory took out her phone and took some pictures of herself and the fixtures. "Next time I remodel my apartment I'm using this as a model. This will make Trudy Beekman seethe with envy!"

"I don't believe it," Lana blinked. "These shoes are big for me."

"Whoa that bitch must have some big ass feet if **you** can't fit in 'em," Pam whistled.

"Again…I'm pregnant!" Lana snapped. "Women's feet swell when they're pregnant! It's a fact! Look it up! Mallory tell them!"

"I don't know about feet but I know my ankles were so swollen and red you would have thought I was stung by a swarm of killer bees afraid of heights," Mallory kept taking pictures of the bathroom. "Another part of my body that was never the same thanks to Sterling."

"Do you think this hat is me?" Pam put on a blue hat with a large red flower on it.

"I think it works for you," Ray admitted. "Love it!"

"I love this mosaic pattern on the wall," Mallory kept taking pictures.

"Where **is** everybody?" Cyril was heard shouting.

"We're all in the closet!" Pam called out.

"Phrasing," Ray chuckled as he tried on a scarf.

"There you are," Cyril walked in wearing his dictator's uniform. "We need to have a meeting."

"We need to get the decorator's number because I could use him," Mallory took pictures of the closet. "This gives me so many ideas for my own apartment. If I ever get back there…"

"Is this **another **closet?" Cyril looked around. "How many clothes do these people have?"

"There's **more?"** Lana asked.

"Yeah there's a closet like this full of men's clothes in the President's room," Cyril said. "Which of course is my room now. And another one in the President's office. It even has a bathroom."

"So does this one," Ray pointed.

"Does it have a heated seat?" Cyril asked.

"Yup," Lana nodded.

"Wow. Well we might as well have the meeting here. I wanted to talk to you about a few things," Cyril said. "That reminds me has anyone seen Krieger?"

"Nope," Ray shrugged.

"Haven't seen him since the first day we got here," Lana added as she looked at a ring and tried it on.

"I think the vampires got him," Pam spoke up.

"This theory **again**?" Mallory groaned. "Look I'm sure Krieger is skulking around…someplace. How much trouble could he possibly get into?"

Meanwhile…

"Guys why do we need to wear these containment suits while working on this project of yours?" Krieger asked his fellow clones. They were all wearing the full body containment suits in the lab.

"No reason," The Clones said as one.

"Cool!" Krieger grinned.

One of the clones picked up something green and glowing with a pair of tongs. "Eh it'll be fine," Krieger said to himself before he went to work.

Back in the closet… (Phrasing)

"Eh he'll be fine," Mallory shrugged as she looked around the closet. "This is maple or redwood? I can never tell. Whatever it is the craftsmanship is fabulous. Oh if Trudy Beekman could see me now that bitch would die from envy!"

"As your President I think few more rules should be added around here. Number one is no more cockfights in the dining hall…Pam!" Cyril glared at Pam.

"What? Think of it as dinner theater," Pam protested. "The loser gets to be dinner."

"Nevertheless it isn't appropriate. As well as taking bets on it!" Cyril snapped. "Number two there will be no more drag racing with the cars for you Pam!"

"Why are you picking on me?" Pam protested.

"You know why!" Cyril snapped. "It's bad enough you trashed some expensive cars but now we have to go to a funeral of that general you ran over!"

"I didn't kill that general by running him over," Pam protested. "He was already dead when I did that. He had a heart attack running from Ms. Archer."

"He wasn't running from me! He was playing hard to get!" Mallory protested.

"Sure right. Well in the future Mallory please stop chasing my generals. At least those that have a heart condition," Cyril groaned.

"When did you start calling her Mallory?" Lana asked.

"When I became president," Cyril said. "Which reminds me Ray stop flirting with my officers too."

"He winked at me!" Ray protested. "Nothing happened in that shower that no one didn't agree to."

"Oh dear God…" Mallory rolled her eyes.

"At least I don't have to chase after men so hard they have heart attacks!" Ray snapped.

"He was playing hard to get!" Mallory snapped. "Not that you would know anything about that…"

"Moving on," Cyril groaned. "Cherlene stop putting outlaw country graffiti on the walls! And I know it was you who set fire to the south garden gazebo!"

"It wasn't me!" Cherlene protested.

"Cherlene it was you!" Cyril barked.

"No, it wasn't!" Cherlene said.

"Cherlene I saw you pour the gasoline and light the match from my office window!" Cyril snapped. "So did several guards. Also you wrote 'Cherlene was here lighting fires' on the wall!"

"Oh. Well I guess then it could have been me," Cherlene blinked.

"And let's move on to the next item," Cyril groaned. "All of you are drinking all the expensive wine and alcohol."

"I'm not! I'm pregnant!" Lana protested.

"Good for you. The unwed mother isn't an alcoholic," Cyril snapped. "But the rest of you need to tone it down!"

"Some of us more than others," Ray looked at Mallory.

"Yeah save some for the rest of us!" Pam barked.

"Also Mallory no more Absinth for you," Cyril glared. "Especially after Tuesday's barbecue incident."

"We had a barbecue on Tuesday?" Mallory blinked. "I don't remember that."

"That's because you drank three bottles of Absinth and blacked out," Ray snorted.

"Unfortunately that's not all you did," Cyril groaned.

Flashback to last Tuesday…

"That's what you get for dancing a tune you can't carry!" Mallory crowed as she sat at a table with a gun in her hand. A dead soldier was on the ground. Several soldiers were standing around cheering wildly while money was exchanged.

"Okay which one of you monkeys of this banana republic has the balls to go another round?" Mallory yelled as she waved the gun.

Back to the present.

"And if that wasn't bad enough then you…" Cyril began.

Back to last Tuesday…

"YEHAAAAAAA!" Mallory whooped as she drove an antique Rolls Royce on the lawn with a bottle in her hand. Several soldiers fled for their lives from her driving.

And once again back to the present.

"Oh," Mallory blinked. "That explains why I woke up one morning with a detached steering wheel in my hand."

"And how that car ended up in the middle of the swimming pool," Cyril groaned. "And how three more of my soldiers ended up in the hospital!"

"Well I'm sorry! I've been under a lot of strain lately!" Mallory protested. "I needed a break from the stress of losing ISIS, running a failing cocaine cartel and taking over a country! It's just so much stress I can hardly stand it!"

"Not to mention your son is in prison," Lana added.

"Actually no, that kind of relieves some of the tension," Mallory shrugged.

"You're not wrong there," Ray agreed. The other members of the ISIS gang agreed.

"So I'm sorry if things got a little out of hand," Mallory shrugged. "Okay no more Absinth. I'll go back to the Ben Franklin wines."

"We finished those shortly after the coup," Ray reminded her.

"Oh," Mallory blinked again. "Okay then I'll have some of the Chateau Petras."

"We finished that at the barbecue," Pam added. "Along with all that Italian wine and Disorono."

"And half the scotch," Ray added.

"Then I'll move onto the Grand Cru," Mallory added.

"You drank all of that at the bowling alley!" Ray protested.

"I seem to recall you lot having some at the bowling alley too," Mallory frowned.

"Not as much as you did!" Ray snapped.

"Wait this palace has a bowling alley too?" Lana asked as she reluctantly took off the jewelry she was wearing.

"In the south wing. You were taking a nap," Ray shrugged. "We all went bowling and she drank the Grand Cru."

"Which explains why I actually enjoyed bowling that day," Mallory realized.

"Didn't hurt your game either," Pam said. "You got three strikes."

"And then Cherlene struck that other soldier and put him in the hospital," Cyril groaned.

"He said I stepped over the line and I clearly didn't! So I had to defend my honor!" Cherlene protested.

"With a couple of bowling pins," Cyril gave her a look.

"Yes," Cherlene nodded.

"Seriously I'm losing more soldiers to you guys than the rebels!" Cyril snapped.

"Well what wine is left? Can I see a list?" Mallory asked.

"No, you can't see a list!" Cyril snapped. "Seriously I'm getting sick of my afternoons interrupted by funerals. It just cuts into my schedule! It's like Brett's funeral all over again!"

"Brett's funeral? Oh dang I knew there was something I forgot about," Ray blinked.

"Were we supposed to go to that?" Pam asked.

"Uh I didn't go," Lana realized. "I had a doctor's appointment that day. Mallory did you go?"

"Normally I would have because I was the head of ISIS but you know? At the end I was going to one funeral a week at least," Mallory admitted. "And I could only watch Sterling hit on the widow so many times. Eh it was just Brett. Not like it wasn't going to happen anyway with him always getting shot."

"I didn't go either! I was busy that day too! Which brings me back to my point," Cyril snapped. "No more killing my soldiers! Can't you just hang around the pool for a day?"

"We can't. There's a Rolls Royce in it," Pam said.

"I meant the indoor one!" Cyril snapped.

"Oh yeah we did that last week. That was fun," Pam said.

"It was nice to just relax for an afternoon," Ray said. "Up until Pam started streaking."

"Hey I didn't bring a bathing suit! What do you want from me?" Pam asked. "Besides I got a great body now so why not flaunt it?"

"It was kind of nice," Lana admitted. "Felt good to swim in the water."

"Just chill-axing, gossiping and drinking," Pam grinned.

"Which is pretty much what you lot all did at ISIS only without a pool," Mallory sniffed. "Although I must admit I found it amusing when Lana nearly drowned Cherlene."

"It was her own fault!" Lana barked. "She kept making those stupid Shamu jokes!"

"Should have done Moby Dick jokes only in Lana's case Moby Dick-Less," Cherlene giggled as she tried on another hat. "You know because of the sperm donor thing?"

"Do we really still need her?" Lana asked.

"Eh," Mallory shrugged.

"Barely," Cyril groaned.

"You know aside from the mortar rounds and the coup d'état…" Mallory tried on a silver fur coat. "This has actually been quite a restful few weeks."

"Yeah like a team building retreat," Pam agreed. "Only it's actually fun."

"Better than the Martha's Vineyard fiasco," Ray groaned.

"May I remind you I have apologized for my part in that," Mallory pointed out. "I was sure there would be more alcohol there. I'm sorry but that name is misleading as well as false advertising. And secondly I didn't start that fire in the pool house! That was all Sterling!"

"For once," Cyril gave Cherlene a dirty look.

"But Pam is right. This has been one of our better team building getaways," Mallory shrugged.

"Team building? Mallory we took over a country, locked up Archer," Lana counted. "Krieger is missing and half the time we don't see each other because this palace is too big! Oh my God. This **has **been one of our better retreats."

"I know. If I could see less of you lot it would be perfect," Mallory shrugged.

"Hey look! There are some movie tapes here," Cherlene opened up a box. "I wonder what's on them?"

"Maybe there are some secrets on these tapes we can exploit for our own gain?" Mallory thought.

"Or maybe they're just home videos or something?" Lana asked.

"Either way it would be kind of fun to check it out," Ray shrugged. "What's the harm?"

"Why not?" Cyril shrugged. "There's a movie theater in the west wing. What's the good of being President if I can't use it?"

"Then if this meeting of the mindless is over," Mallory nodded. "I say we go watch these tapes. Even if there's nothing on them it might be good for a laugh. There's little enough entertainment around here as it is."

"Barbecue night wasn't entertaining enough for you?" Ray gave her a look.

"I don't remember Barbecue Night so obviously…" Mallory glared back.

"All right! Movie night! YEEE HAAA!" Cherlene called out as what was left of the ISIS gang followed Cyril.

"It's two thirty in the afternoon," Ray spoke up.

"Oh please let it be a porno," Pam called out. Everyone looked at her. "Don't look at me like that! You were all thinking it!"

"Eh," Ray shrugged.

"Hold on! I gotta pee again!" Lana ran back into the toilet.

Not long afterwards…

"This place has everything," Ray remarked as he and most of the other ISIS gang sat in cushioned seats in a luxurious movie theater.

"Including a concession stand selling cocaine laced popcorn, cocaine candy bars…" Pam was munching on a lot of goodies in her lap. "And Coke! Which ironically doesn't have cocaine in it. Now anyway."

"You're getting to be quite the gourmet with cocaine," Ray blinked as he sat next to her.

"I'm thinking of writing a cookbook," Pam munched. "I'm going to be the Julia Child of the drug world!"

"You're an overgrown child period," Mallory groaned. She was on Pam's other side. "Although I must admit this is a rather nice movie theater. Much better than the last one I was in."

"Even the seats lean back," Lana was impressed as she sipped her water. She was on Ray's other side. "This is actually comfortable. Well as comfortable as I'm going to get right now."

"Hey let's get this show on the road!" Cherlene whooped. She was sitting on Mallory's other side. She took out a lighter. "OUTLAW COUNTRY THEATER! WHOOO!"

"NO! NO! No lighters!" Cyril stormed down the aisle and grabbed the lighter from Cherlene's hand.

"HEY!" Cherlene pouted.

"I am **not** having a repeat of the carousel incident from this morning!" Cyril snapped.

"Wait, this place has a carousel too?" Lana asked.

"We **had** one," Cyril groaned.

Flashback to earlier that day.

"OUTLAW COUNTRY! WHOOOO!" Cherlene whooped as she rode the carousel. She took out her lighter and lit it up. "CRANK UP THE SPEED PAM! WHOOOO!"

And of course the lighter managed to catch the carousel on fire. "WHOOO!" Cherlene cheered as the fire began.

Back to the present…

"So **that's** what that burning smell was this morning," Lana blinked.

"Can we just get this…Whatever it is on the road?" Mallory poured herself a glass of some liquid from a bottle. "Some of us actually have things to do today."

"Like drink up all the rest of the scotch?" Ray asked acidly.

"For your information this is gin, Missy!" Mallory sniffed. "Trust you not to know the difference."

She then took a drink and grimaced. "Then again whoever made this didn't know what gin was either. It tastes like lemons, water and sugar."

"That's because it **is** lemons, water and sugar," Cyril groaned as he sat down. "It's lemonade."

"With what?" Mallory raised an eyebrow.

"Nothing. Just lemonade," Cyril told her. "There's a lemonade bottling plant on the other side of town. They ship some here every day for the troops."

"So this is just virgin lemonade?" Mallory was stunned.

"Most people just call it lemonade," Lana said. "Haven't you ever had lemonade before?"

"Not since I was six!" Mallory snapped. She took another taste. "Ugh…No wonder Sterling was always trying to sneak a taste of my scotch when he was younger. If I had nothing to drink but this swill I'd commit suicide."

"Cyril give Mallory a bit more lemonade," Ray quipped.

"Somebody get me an actual drink in my hands before I get unhappy!" Mallory threw the bottle away.

"Too late," Pam quipped.

"And now there's lemonade all over my nice clean theater floor!" Cyril groaned. "Great! Now we're going to get ants!"

"**Your **theater floor?" Lana gave Cyril a look.

"It is now," Cyril gave her a look. He snapped his fingers. A soldier ran up with a flask. "Here you can have this San Marcos Blue Whisky."

"Never heard of it," Mallory took it. "But it can't be any worse than lemonade." She took a drink. "Ah…That was a pleasant surprise."

"It's a special whisky made exclusively for the President of San Marcos and only the President of San Marcos," Cyril said smugly. "Which I am." He took out his own flask and had a drink.

"And yet nobody elected you," Lana rolled her eyes.

"Yeah you took over with a tank," Cherlene agreed. "Even I know that's not how the Electoral College works! And I don't even know what that is!"

"Can we just get on with this?" Ray groaned.

"Yes there's a man leaving in ten minutes and Gillette has to be under him," Mallory agreed. "Get on with it!"

"Roll it!" Cyril sat down next to Cherlene and snapped his fingers to the projectionist. The lights dimmed and the film began to roll.

"It's a home movie," Ray realized as the black and white film began to roll. "Looks like it's a kid's birthday party."

"Oh God I wish it was a porno," Mallory groaned.

"Who's that guy?" Pam pointed to the figure with white and black hair with a mustache. "Kind of sexy."

"I think that's Calderon's father," Cyril said. "Judging by the uniform he's wearing."

"Yeah it looks just like yours," Cherlene nodded.

"And that's Juliana!" Lana pointed.

"Right she was married to Calderon's dad before Calderon," Ray remembered. "Paging Oedipus and Dr. Freud…"

"I know," Mallory laughed and took another swig of the flask. "Clearly this family is disturbed and has problems."

"And that's you saying that," Ray quipped.

Mallory sniffed. "What? I did a great job raising…What's his name? Okay Woodhouse did most of the raising but I hired him so it counts! Never mind. Damn this stuff has a good kick. Remind me to ship some of this back with us." She took another drink.

"That reminds me," Cyril realized. "Did anyone call Woodhouse back in New York to check up on things?"

"What things? An empty house with no cocaine?" Mallory waved. "Woodhouse is used to being on his own for long periods of time. I'm sure he's keeping busy doing…servant things."

Back in New York…

The Tunt house was filled with people of all ages. The strobe light show that Archer had connected to the phone system had been activated and a rave was taking place.

"All right ladies and gentlemen…" Woodhouse called to the crowd. He was shirtless and wearing a glow ring around his neck. He had a blunt in one hand and a gun in the other. "Let's turn this mother out!"

The crowd cheered and began to dance. Woodhouse took a puff and called out. "Say Charles I bet I could shoot a can off your prostitute's head from thirty paces away!" Woodhouse clicked his weapon.

Let's go back to San Marcos shall we?

"Yeah everything's probably fine," Mallory waved.

"Is that Calderon as a teenager?" Lana blinked as the movie went on.

"It is!" Ray blinked. "And Juliana doesn't look a day over…She looks exactly like she does now!"

"Just how old is this bitch?" Pam called out. "Maybe she's a vampire too? She's the Queen of the Vampires!"

"She is not the Queen of the Vampires! She's not the queen of anything!" Cyril snapped. "Not yet."

"Damn right. Wait what?" Cherlene did a double take. "I'm the only queen here!"

"Yeah right," Ray scoffed.

Mallory glared at him. "You stole my line!"

"You stole my 401 K," Ray gave her a look.

"I'm the Queen of Outlaw Country Music!" Cherlene whooped as she stood up. "OUTLAW COUNTRY! OUTLAW COUNTRY!" She danced around.

"Cherlene knock it off!" Cyril snapped.

"I think that chip in her brain had a malfunction," Ray groaned at Cherlene's antics.

"El Presidente! We have removed the car from the outdoor swimming pool," A soldier walked up to him. "And we have prepared the pool party on your orders."

"What orders? I didn't give any orders," Cyril blinked.

"Your friend said that there was to be a pool party in your honor this afternoon," The soldier pointed at Pam. "It's theme is Cocaine By The Poolside."

"PAM!" Cyril snapped.

"What? A pool party is just what we need around here," Pam shrugged. "Besides your soldiers need a break from fighting the rebels right?"

"I need a break from this crap on screen," Mallory waved as she took another drink. "I think I may have found my new Absinth."

"Come on! Let's party!" Pam stood up.

"Oh go ahead," Cyril sighed. "The men deserve some kind of reward. If only for putting up with you lot."

"YAY!" Pam, Cherlene and the soldier whooped. They ran off to celebrate.

"I just gave those two license to cause chaos didn't I?" Cyril groaned.

"Not like they weren't gonna do it anyway," Ray waved. "Might as well check it out."

"Yes there's nothing interesting on this so called movie anyway," Mallory sighed.

The rest of the group walked out of the theater and to a window that overlooked the pool outside. "Wow, they really outdid themselves," Lana remarked. "There's a buffet table, several coolers filled with drinks, beach balls…"

"WHOO HOO! POOL PARTY TIME!" Pam was heard whooping.

"We really should get Pam a bathing suit," Cyril groaned.

"CHERLENE MAINA RULES! WHOOO HOO!"

BOOM! BAM! POP!

"HEY!" Cyril yelled. "WHERE DID YOU GET THOSE FIREWORKS?"

BOOOM!

"That last one nearly hit the palace!" Ray gasped.

"CHERLENE KNOCK IT OFF! DO YOU WANT TO BURN THIS PLACE DOWN?" Cyril yelled.

"Great this is going to be like Martha's Vineyard all over again," Ray groaned. "Just once I'd like to go somewhere without the place getting blown up!"

"Well there was the space station," Lana recalled. "We didn't blow that up."

"Not for lack of trying," Cyril groaned.

"YEEEEEHAAAAAA!"

BOOOOOOOOOOM!

"Keep it up Cherlene and I'll lock you in the dungeon with Archer and the others!" Cyril shouted out the window. "I mean it!"

"NAKED CONGA LINE! WHOOO!" Pam was heard shouting. "ONE TWO THREE LA CONGA! ONE TWO THREE LA CONGA…"

"Not again…" Cyril groaned. "That's it! I'm out of here!" He walked away.

"Me too," Mallory agreed as she followed him down the hallway. "I've reached my limit of idiocy for the day."

"I'm starting to understand why you drink so much," Cyril said to Mallory. "Well part of it anyway."

"I know! Keeping these idiots in line would drive anyone to drink!" Mallory agreed.

"I guess I have to go do some work and prepare for that stupid general's funeral," Cyril groaned. He pulled out his flask and took a stiff drink.

"Or we could just go back to your office and have sex in the executive bathroom," Mallory suggested slightly tipsy.

"Eh why not?" Cyril shrugged as he took another drink from his flask. "Not like we haven't done it before."

Back at the window neither Ray nor Lana heard the exchange. They were too busy watching the mayhem at the pool. "Where did Cherlene get fireworks?" Ray blinked.

"Who knows where she gets anything?" Lana groaned. "That's some pool party down there."

"Hell-oo," Ray's eyes widened as he watched.

"And now it's a nude pool party," Lana groaned. "And some of those soldiers really like it. And not just because of Pam or Cherlene."

"Looks like there are more than beach balls at this pool party. Oh what the hell?" Ray shrugged and took off his shirt. "You coming?"

"No, I think I'm going to just get some rest in my room and pretend I'm anywhere but here," Lana groaned.

"Suit yourself," Ray shrugged and went off to the pool to have some fun.

"YEEEHAAA!"

BOOOM!

"Again this is still one of our better team retreats," Lana admitted as one of the fireworks set a tree on fire.


End file.
